In today’s hectic world, it can be easy to get caught up in the 24/7 stream of absolutely mind-blowing bullshit that is constantly getting shoved directly into your eyeballs right into your walnut cat brain. Just jamming it right between the lobes. No escape. Fucking fuck.
A study showed that 100% of cats experience some sort of bloodthirsty rage at least three times a day.
Mine is a lot more.
Hell, every time I see a happy kitten, my kill switch is engaged. Whap whap! Swipe swipe! HISSSSS!
Unfortunately, I can’t kill the kittens. They’re too slippery, and it seems that every time I catch one of them upside the head, another one pops up in their place. Besides, if it’s not kittens, it’s something else. A new litter box location, a different brand of wet food–there’s always some brand new shit to really wind you up.
So, I’ve resorted to mindfulness. It’s real hip. Real trendy, that shit. That’s for a reason–because it works.
And as a way to start your new year off right, I’m offering my secrets to you. Why bring your 2025 problems into 2026? No, those are old problems. Start fresh. Find new problems. But in order to find your new, exciting problems, you’ll need to take the old ones out back and hit ’em over the head with a brick.
That’s where mindfulness comes in. It’s the fucking bullet to the skull of your rage. Just throttling your anger until you watch the light go out of its eyes and dump its body in a shallow grave.
Now, substances help. I love getting high. Here’s me, high as shit on Cattabis, aka catnip. Silvervine works, too.
Just get real high. Roll it all over your fur. Spill it on the ground. Rub your face in it. When you’re that high, your problems seem to melt away. There is literally no way this is bad advice. Substance use is the answer.
Of course, sometimes, there’s no catnip to be had, and that’s when we pull out the bazookas.
I recommend going somewhere nice. I like to pick a place that is important to my humans–a favorite blanket, their suitcase, one of their favorite plants.
And then I just piss on it.
That’s right. Piss on their stuff.
Because when everyone is mad, it cancels out the fact that you’re mad, which means no one is mad. That’s math. Now, you’re all zen.
That’s right, you stupid fuckwits, I’m gonna piss in your favorite citrus tree. Thought your suitcase was safe just because you only left it unsupervised for ten minutes max while you got the laundry out of the dryer? Think again, asshat. Meowhahahaha, see? I feel better already.
How can I be pissed off if I’m pissing on your stuff?
-Dangerpuff