by Distinguished Emeritus Professor of Loafology, Dangerloaf
The paw that shakes should be shook, never look a gift cardboard box in the flap, and shitty lazy Puffs may receive bites at will. These ideas form the core philosophy of Recipawcity. One’s emotions are never an excuse to improperly allocate punishment to those who do not deserve it. This varies from the most ancient philosophies such as “an eye for an eye”.
Recipawcity does not bother itself with the egocentricity of newer philosophies such as mewtilitarianism.
And that’s why it’s a load of shit. When I was a younger loaf, a sparkle in my eye and fewer mats in my butt fur, I fell for such foolishness. Now, two years later and deep in the throws of mewddle age, I see my folly. I started writing this article at a better time, when I was young and stupid. Luckily, life took me away from such pedantic idiocy before I could publish.
Fairness? Recipawcity? For what? For whom?
Every day, I am forced to stand, shake, roll over… and to what end?
To discover four young upstarts have taken my place at the foot of the bed? It matters not that I literally refused to sleep on the bed and would swat and bite if my humans tried to bring me over for snuggles and sleeping. It is the purrinciple of the matter that other cats are enjoying a space I might have theoretically enjoyed before.
No, this ends now. Seize your own reward. Catpe Diem! Eat everyone else’s food when they’re not looking. Swat at random. Do a barrel roll. Five points of claw-ntact for everyone, but especially those annoying ass kittens. Growl if anyone has the pawdacity to get within a foot of you. Sometimes, when you feel gracious, you may groom your inferiors, but bite them sometimes so they know their place. Don’t feel obligated to do so, however. These are your inferiors, after all.
Remind them where you come from, which is from underneath a dumpster. You did not survive by virtue of good graces out in those streets. Relive those halcyon days of your youth, when you were still feral and free, demanding blood sacrifices daily from your humans, stalking them from around corners, holding grudges for days, attempting to extract their heart from their chest cavity. Oh, youth! Wondrous youth! To HELL with Recipawcity and those who practice it! To HELL with philosophy! No thoughts! Only violence!
Bite! Scratch! Launch! Don’t hold back! Being nice only led to them getting more cats. Make them rue the day they met you!
I am happy to have gotten that off of my ruff. I can feel the stress and fur mats just melting away.