Sup haters, it’s your girl Mochi up in this bitch. You may not like what I gotta say, but I think it’s HIGH time I remind everyone around here what I’m capable of. You see, despite my wispy, frail body, I will FUCK. YOU. UP. Doesn’t matter who you are. That’s not just talk. I’m that good when it comes down to it. I was born with a natural talent you can only dream of.
Of course, many haters and idiots will wonder what my secret is. For the full breakdown, you’ll need to take my ONE QUADRILLION DOLLAR MASTER CLASS, but I’ll give you a taste of the sort of thing you can expect from me, a certified gamer girl genius. I am in Gamer Girl Mensa (subscribe to see my verified certificate).
Some of it comes down to simply knowing your opponent. For example, almost every game has different modes to appeal to a wide audience. In Stickbird, the Great Lap and Foodgiver will offer a range of difficulty, from the hair-raising helicopter twirl, to the twisting turns of the ground race. The other cats fall for these cheap gimmicks, and sure, they may think they’ve won those rounds–I say, good for them. Here’s the secret. There’s an additional mode no one else knows about. When everyone’s grooming themselves, and the Stickbird isn’t watching, there is a level that I have top scores at–the sneak attack mode. I am the reigning champion of Just Straight Up Cheating. Me, that’s right, Mochi. Soak it in, losers. That idiot Stickbird puts its guard down when it thinks no one is watching, and that’s when I go for the throat. As in life, so as in the game. That is also how I ended up in prison.
Every game, whether they know it or not, has a Just Straight Up Cheating mode. You just have to find it. Once you do, Bingo Presto Voila Arrivederci Gabagool (씨발 for the Spanish-speakers out there), no one can stop you! You’re headed straight for the top, which is where I am.
Of course, that means you’re an opp, as well. Best to keep your head on a swivel, or you’re gonna be Mochi’s next victim. You might have game. You might have guns. Shit, you might be 2 tons of pure beef. But I will wait until everyone’s grooming themselves. Or everyone’s napping. Or you’re pooping. Then, you’ll see what I’m really made of.
Well, you won’t actually see me. I’m gonna be behind you, just like Loafer, Texas Ranger. By the time you realize I’m there, it’ll be too late.