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Renowned Self-Defense Specialist, Chuck Purris, to offer Defensive Loafing Classes in Meowmi Area

Few people in the modern world haven’t heard of the legendary Chuck Purris, whose unique style of self-defense has reached near-mythical status. Purris, the star of Loafer, Texas Ranger, is even credited with taking down Meowtler himself, despite not having been born until eighty years after the maligned dictator’s death.

Luckily for Meowmi area citizens, Purris has recently announced plans to teach his unique and mysterious style of self-defense at a small fitness center in downtown Meowmi, right on Scratch Pad Row, which is just a scratch pad in the middle of the living room.

Students can learn how to loaf any time anything frightens or confuses them, which will throw the enemy off, giving the would-be victim a chance to strike. Not that they would. In a perfect world, they’d just keep loafing.

During his press release, Purris was welcoming and friendly, a far cry from the intimidating image painted of him on the internet. He welcomed learners from all backgrounds to come try their paws at self-defense, which he identifies as an essential life skill.

“A lot of people make it out as a lot harder than it has to be. I’m here to simplify the technique and break it down in a way anyone can understand. Though there is some technique to it, the main gist is: if you’re confused, loaf. If you’re scared, loaf. If you just want attention, you guessed it, meow loudly. And then loaf.”

His easy-going style is sure to make this highly respected martial art feel approachable for anyone interested in learning how to fend off predators or avoid being picked up against your puffy will.

“It all comes down to practice. Coming to these classes will allow you to get the muscle memory you need to serve you in those life-or-getting-picked-up situations. If you keep practicing, no matter who you are, you’ll be able to loaf in those moments where a second’s delay means you’re going to get picked up and held and petted even though you’d rather be sneaking into the pantry.”

Purris went on to explain that he was also planning to expand the workshops to include rising up on your back legs for head pats, meowing sadly for treats and batting at the pantry door handle. For more details, please loaf and leave your pawsonal information in the comments below.

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1 Comment

  1. dedicated purris stan October 26, 2023

    I really think it was a grievous oversight to leave out his well known skill at locking himself into a room by himself in order to get attention. pawing at the door handle pales in compawrison.

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