Last year sometime (actually, maybe it was two years ago, but the details are not important here), a young Dangerous Puffington broke records that had just been sitting on the counter of history, waiting to be swiped to the floor.
Puffington, at the incredibly young age of just six months (or something probably, we adopted this little shit off of Craigslist from some incredibly sketchy kids who probably dragged him out of a dumpster), became the first, last, youngest, oldest, puffiest and least puffy puff to ever climb Meownt Coverest, which was in fact just a rolled up carpet stood up on its side that was unraveled mere minutes after the historic puff made his mark on the litter box of time.
When reached for comment, he stared down at us unblinkingly with the knowing eyes of a puff who had become a god. Reporters couldn’t stand the smugness of this little shit and immediately took him off the top of the carpet roll and unrolled it just to ruin his stupid puffy day.
I see no god up here
Other than me
Still, reporters and local sources could not deny that Puffington had put in the time and training required to become the best of the best (As well as technically the worst of the worst, when you look at it on a scale of absolutes). Starting at three months of age, Puffington started climbing literally fucking anything that he could hook his little murder mittens into and tirelessly trained until he was finally able to reach the peak of the highest carpet roll in the local area.
He couldn’t do it alone, of course. Luckily for him, his pluck and puffery caught the eye of renowned acro-cat Danger Loaferson, who coached him through a rigorous training program designed to take him to the top–the literal top of anything that was even remotely climbable.
His exercise regimen would be enough to make any other puff quit — tirelessly chasing after string, climbing up scratching posts, counters and even couches–but Puffington was no ordinary puff.
Success does not come without its challenges, however. While Loaferson is famed for his ability to jump really high, it is well known that he comes from a troubled past (read: a literal dumpster). During his training periods, Loaferson could be seen swatting at Puffington, with these altercations sometimes even devolving into biting, hissing and bunny-kicking.
Insider sources say that Puffington totally deserved it, though, as he was often seen full-body launching himself into Loaferson’s face with no provocation at all.
Reporters asked Puffington where he sees himself going next, but he only meowed cryptically at us. Still, the sports world is awash with wild speculations about his next endeavor, with most favoring a bid for the 2024 Pawlympics in competitive napping.
While it’s true that most of his sports career has focused on climbing, the pawparazzi confirms that Puffington has been spotted napping for very long stretches, with what appears to be as much commitment to the sport as he previously reserved for psychotically crawling up the walls of the house.
Only time will tell if he plans to go pro or if he is merely allowing himself to cultivate a well-deserved hobby.
