The perverse world of bean-viewing has entered its newest phase of controversy. OnlyBeans, the most pawpular bean photo repository on the internet (don’t look that up), is now in boiling hot bean soup after it was uncovered that their latest models are all underage.
“Thank goodness there’s no one regulating this sort of thing or else we’d be in real big trouble,” said the company in an official press release, showing no remorse. “This is NOT a thinly veiled criticism of current political figures, by the way,” they assured us.
Reporters sighed in relief, because we really don’t need that kind of smoke right meow.
“My clients are innocent, and if they are not, it is society who is wrong,” representative Danger Loaf, from the notorious Danger, Danger, Danger, Danger, Danger, & Danger law firm, stated plainly to a timid crowd as he sharpened his claws. “I would be glad to discuss any opposing viewpoints or critical questions.”
Still, there’s no denying these latest beans are too fresh for posting.
“You’d think they’d at least use one-year-old models, so they could claim ignorance and pretend they thought they were two, but this is downright shameless! They’re kittens, for meowing out loud!” Buttons McWiggleton, CEO of the PawHub–OnlyBeans’s biggest competitor, exclaimed at a press conference. Mr McWiggleton demanded that OnlyBeans be immediately shut down and all of them thoroughly swaddled. “I’m not one for violence, but this sort of behavior is enough to make a body want to buy a spray bottle and mete out some vigilante justice. It’s sickening to see them get away with this.”
It should be noted that PawHub was found guilty of similar charges just two years ago. They were fined a hefty ten million tube treats and the previous CEO–Burger Jones–was sentenced to life in solitary confinement with a lonely old lady who swaddles him constantly and dresses him up like a baby. Many say that he got away on light charges, as reports have shown the disgraced CEO still receives multiple tube treats per day, wet food on demand, and still has access to his bank accounts. Some even say McWiggleton is just the figurehead, and that Jones is still running the operation. Some go further to say that Burger Jones has always lived there and that nothing has changed at all, and that we just made this part up.
Recently, users have reported that some of the controversial kitten beans from OnlyBeans have been leaked onto PawHub, to great popularity–you sick, sick freaks. Xx_BeanLover_xX, a very popular anonymous poster, has been identified as the main source of leaked unripe beans, but others have been implicated, such as YoullNeverCatchMeCopper and ILoveDoingIllegalShit69.
As of now, no charges are being brought against OnlyBeans. Pawthorities have refused to respond to our requests for comment, and we’re pretty sure we saw them scurrying out the back door with suitcases full of money with the words ‘BRIBE’ written on the side.
Tune back in for further updates, unless they bribe us, too. We’re very open to bribes.
