Biscuitball (Bookcaseball for the Europeans) is a trending sport that has caught the world by storm.
This season, it’s Biscuit v Biscuit, the only player in the entire league. He’s been giving himself a run for his money, tossing up killer shots and jumping farther than anyone has ever jumped ever.
We recognize that some of you are ignorant cretins and are wondering about the rules of Biscuitball.
First, you have to jump to the tallest bookcase in the house that has the least amount of stepping stools up to it. For example, a bookcase next to a cat tree that is of a similar height will not do. That’s too easy.
The bookcase, per Biscuitball regulations, must be filled with stuffed animals of varying sizes and heft. Ideally, the stuffed animals should be monetarily or sentimentally valuable.
Once you have reached the top of the bookcase, you must swipe at the stuffed animals until you hook one with your claw, flip it into the air and catch it in your mouth. From there, you must jump from the top of the bookcase down to the ground, even if there are easier ways down, and run to a randomly designated part of the house. If you drop it at any point, you lose the game and must start over.
Biscuit is the reigning world champion, having completed at least fifty successful games over his career. To our knowledge, and the knowledge of those who know what is good for them, there is no other record of any other cat on this planet successfully emulating his masterful technique.
Fans are gripping their seats in excitement as the season progresses. Who will win?
Biscuit will. Just so we are clear. It’s Biscuit.
For those who wish to tune in, the big game is airing every 4 a.m. right next to your face while you’re trying to sleep.
Biscuitball International League Biscuit Fanclub March 3, 2026
I’m a huge biscuit stan and no.1 biscuitball international league biscuit fanclub vice president and I have to say while this article is very compelling (and properly highlights our president (biscuit himself) and his skills), it’s lacking some details that could prove interesting to casual viewers of the sport.
for example, the score differential in how many spectators are unwillingly roused — Biscuit is the world’s best, typically going from zero to at least 2 spectators over the course of each run.
Our hugely talented president has been widely recognized as perhaps the greatest player of all time and will be a role model for any young aspiring biscuitball players to come. There are NO comparable athletes at his level. He’s the most likely to achieve the mythical “Triple Crown” where a player actually takes off from either another player’s back/a spectator’s shoulder, nails the snatch and grab, and then subsequently lands back on another player or spectator!!!
(Also, bookcaseball is an illegitimate “name” for this great sport — nobody who actually plays this sport has ever called it bookcaseball and I think it would improve your reputation as a respectable sports reporting agency to do away with it. )