The FAA (Feline Aviation Agency) recently released new guidelines for maintaining cat-plane landing spaces. The new regulations delineate exactly which flat spaces fall under the FAA’s authority (all of them) and provide standards of architecture and meowntenance, with steep fines for violators.
Some detractors have said that the FAA declaring itself the ruler of all flat spaces is tantameownt to meow-nopoly and that their unchecked paw-thority was likely to lead to a petty and evil dictatorship, but they were quickly swatted into silence. Our editors want it noted that we are very much in favor of our new aviation overlords and would never say anything treasonous.
The FAA announced the following during their purr-ess release: all flat spaces are under authority of cats. These flat spaces require a minimum of two square feet (About two cats’ worth for those on the meowtric system) of space that is both open and near other flat spaces of differing height (for example, the floor nearby a nightstand).
All such spaces must be kept clear of any debris such as your stupid bullshit items. Violations will result in aggressive destruction of the items in question. Any items left on a flat space of any elevation (such as the top of the nightstand in the previous example), will result in those items being swept to the floor and broken.
If there is a space that is not completely flat, such as a pile of papers, it is still under the jurisdiction of the FAA, because there is a flat surface underneath it, and also because it looks mostly flat. These papers will be scattered with prejudice.
If a feline aviator is harmed as a result of a flat space or potential flat space being filled with bullshit (defined as literally anything at all), the owner of said items will be fined with extreme guilt while the feline aviator hops around on their cute little injured paws, and it’s all your fault, you shitty, shitty clown. The shitty, item-owning moron will be responsible for any veterinarian care as well as heavy fines of up to every treat in the house and several paw swipes, even biting if the injury is severe enough.
The responsible party will also be required to provide a comfortable, dark space for the cat plane to lick their wounds in peace. If the feline aircraft requires extra attention and snuggles, this must also be provided on demand until such time as the cat bites you and tells you to fuck off.
In a move that was lauded as long overdue by all cats, the FAA also noted that laps count as potential flat spaces, and therefore fall under the FAA’s jurisdiction. Due to the inherent squishy, uneven nature of laps, however, the owner of a lap is required to make it pleasant for any cats nearby. This includes, but is not limited to, putting a cat-sized box on the lap for the cat to sit in or covering your gross, flesh-ridden thighs with a blanket, depending on the cat’s preference.
According to the purress release, these rules are subject to expansion without warning. They are effective immeowdiately, reowtroactively, and furever.