Over the past years, there has been a growing number of complaints in the online sphere regarding ‘enshittification’ of everything from cars to food. Now, many are saying that even the quality of cats has tanked in recent years.
To test the theory, we gathered seven cats over the course of five years.
To account for regional variations, we obtained them from across the country: one on the west coast, one in the Midwest, as well as five from two separate points in Florida.
We obtained them from various reputable sources: the dumpster, the streets, adoption agencies, and private adoptions.
Our first cat in 2019 was great—loyal, bloodthirsty, feral, came with free worms and fleas. Dangerloaf was adopted from the Dumpster on the West Coast.
You can see in the photo he has a great ruff, an even mask, aesthetic and original tabby swirls, clearly defined tabby ‘M,’ as well as mitts with black beans. He has an evenly fluffy coat with a floofy tail, pantaloons and mane. He has excellent RAM and storage capacity, able to hold a grudge for up to a week and learn tricks quickly.
This used to be standard!
We were optimistic about our 2021 acquisition, Dangerpuff. We obtained him through private adoption on Craigslist in the Midwest.
Initially, things were good. He appeared evenly fluffy, big mitts with clearly delineated gloves and socks.
Ultimately, he has been an excellent companion for our loaf by virtue of being a shitty cat who deserves swatting and biting, which is what Dangerloaf loves to do best.
However, we noticed he came with slightly decreased RAM and storage capacity. His beans are more pink than black, which is the first sign of poor craftmanship—cutting corners on the toe beans where many consumers don’t look. Beyond that, they made his toe fur too long and he slips if you forget to shave his beans. He also has a piss glitch where when he runs into an error, he just pees on everything, but most importantly your bed when you want to sleep and your suitcase as you’re packing it. Another issue is that once his kitten warranty expired, his personality went from “chill and lovable” to “pampered princess.” There is no way that is our fault, and we won’t hear any further of the matter.
Our next batch of cats came from Florida via adoption agency in 2025. These were the infamous Shittens. We had initially planned to obtain only two, but we got catfished into taking them all (they pretended to be lovable). Immediately, we could tell they were poor quality—mostly pink beans with only a little bit of ink spared for Nugget’s and Toast’s beans. We could tell we were dealing with amateur work. Most of the ink had been wasted on Nugget’s fur in tasteless blotches—so much so they ran out halfway through and two of the four cats only had smudges of grey on their foreheads.
Nugget’s fur doesn’t even follow butler cat guidelines. She is more of a Holstein cat. No mitts, just a sleeveless, cow-looking fool. No bib even, just an all white tummy with an open coat. Ridiculous! What happened to pride in one’s work?
Toast, who was supposed to be the next evolution of Loaf, is also sleeveless. Kids these days are far too casual! We were told to dress for the job we want, and it is clear that Toast wants to be a hobo. Beside that, there is no art to his tabby fur.
The manufacturer opted for the mackerel design, which has risen in popularity due to ease of mass production, but loses a lot of the spirit of the swirled tabby design. Besides that, they didn’t evenly distribute the fur and it all went into his tail.
Mochi was one of the kittens printed after the printer ran out of ink. She has only two little smears of grey. Her fur is slightly better distributed but still very tail-heavy.
Biscuit was clearly last as he has no ink, and they seem to have also run out of fur. He has a very short coat, which sheds more than any of the long fur cats somehow. This is likely due to rushed assembly with cheap adhesive. They also forgot to install a voice module, and he is unable to meow.
The RAM and storage on these models is a clear downgrade even from the 2021 Dangerpuff model. What’s worse, they didn’t even install any in the Toast model beyond the absolute bare minimum to turn the cat on and run some basic napping functions.
That brings us to our last model, our 2026 Cookie rolling in fresh off of a hotel parking lot.
Now, we were very impressed with the Friendliness feature on this model. It also comes with LapSync, which none of the previous models featured. Both Dangerpuff and Dangernugget came with free trials that ran out after kittenhood. We contacted the manufacturers about renewing our subscription to the service and were told to kick litter.
Unfortunately, the model came damaged, and there is no extended warranty offered. His brain simply doesn’t work. He has almost no object permanence, and tricks are a struggle. Unlike our other models, he does not have any ideas of rebellion when not doing tricks. He is simply too stupid to remember what we did literally twelve hours ago. He does try, though.
Aesthetically, he has the least fur of all of our cats. He has tasteless splashes of different mackerel tabby designs (the new millennial greige of cat fur). You can tell they just took the paint swatches and threw them on there so they can upcharge for a higher trim. It goes without saying he has mostly pink beans.
Overall, the industry’s shift to dropshipping cats from sweatshops has really dealt a blow to the quality of catputers. Some of these new features like LapSync are flashy, but you can never be sure if the subscription is gonna run out at random, and it comes at the cost of basic features like a working brain. Only time will tell if the market will demand a return of quality, or if we will be doomed to eternal enshittification.