I invented Christmas Crack, yes, definitely me

Hello to all of you hohohooligans out there. It is I, your god, Chef Dangerloaf, a bastion of tradition in a world of cursed newfangledness.

Nothing screams ‘tradition’ and ‘Christmas’ like stealing the inventions/ideas/holiday of others, murdering the original inventors, adding your own spin on it and then claiming it for your own.

Such it was that I, Dangerloaf, became the inventor of Christmas Crack, here at the most Dangerous of Bakeries.

Basically, I added chips. Please note, I would have added bacon, but some of the people I was giving it to were vegetarian, so we settled on potato chips. So, if anyone puts bacon on there, I will still emerge victorious in the bloody battle for the title as the inventor of Christmas Crack.

Anyone who posits otherwise will be convicted of treason without trial and executed, in the spirit of Christmas.

P.s. Shut the hell up about it being past Christmas. I didn’t ask.

Recipe

Ingredients and Tools

• 1 cup of light brown sugar (dark brown is fine, I just always have light brown–the toffee will just be darker and more molassesy)
• 1 cup of salted butter (2 sticks–don’t replace with margarine/spreadable butter or else you claim responsibility for your own foolishness)
• 3 cups of chocolate chips (others use 2 cups, tone it down if you don’t want as much chocolate; mine ends up being about a 1:1 ratio of chocolate to toffee)
• 45 saltines WITH the salt (a little more than a sleeve — I’ve seen people use like 20, so do what you like; I like the saltine part, so I use more)
• sprinkles (I used great value holiday lights mix)
• plain potato chips +/- well-fried, drained crispy bacon or even bacon crumbles for your salad
  • other options: broken pretzels, your favorite candy, toffee bits, nuts, coconut shreds, poison
• 13 x 9 cookie sheet
• heat-resistant spatula (not the pancake flipper type; the type for scraping bowls with) or wooden spoon
• Medium-sized pot
• oven mitts (even if you, like me, are a cat with regular mitts)
• parchment paper recommended

Instructions

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F/205 degrees C for the heathens
2. On the cookie sheet, put down parchment paper. I think you might be able to get away with greasing the cookie sheet with cooking spray, but I refuse to take responsibility if that’s what you do, because I haven’t tried it.
3. Arrange the saltines so that they fill up the whole tray side by side. You should not abide by the ‘six feet apart because they’re not gay’ rule. These crackers are hella gay and should be touching on all sides.
4. In the pot, combine brown sugar and butter on medium high heat until boiling. Boil for 3 minutes, and not a moment less or a vengeful god (me) will descend upon you and box you around the ears. Something about cracking point or something *Shrugs in cat*
5. Pour the brown sugar and butter mixture over the crackers and spread with the heat-resistant spatula until they are completely covered with it. Some parts will be thicker than others; that’s fine. It’s called ‘rustic.’
6. Bake for 5 minutes. You can turn the oven off now, but keep the door closed to retain the heat.
7. Pour the chocolate chips on top until they’ve more or less covered the boiling hot saltine-caramel magma. It will not cover the entire thing just yet; don’t worry, trust the process.
8. Place back in oven for 2 minutes to melt the chocolate chips and make them easier to spread.
   • If putting bacon crumbles on that are not very kwispy, I recommend that you also put the bacon on at this time before putting it back in the oven. You could also, in theory, sprinkle the bacon onto the toffee itself before putting it into the oven the first time. You can probably add bacon at any time, and it would turn out fine. Just make sure it’s cooked first.
9. Spread the chocolate so it covers the entire thing. If it doesn’t cover it now, then the process betrayed you and you should never trust again.
10. Open the bag of chips and grab a fistful of them, crushing them just as you would any detractors in your empire and sprinkling their remains on top of the melted chocolate.
11. Finish with sprinkles. (Editor’s note: this is a GREAT time to add poison for that special someone in your life that you wish to be rid of forever! Make sure whatever poison you use is heat-safe. Try tetrodotoxin for a heart-stopping crowd-pleaser!)
12. Let cool to room temperature for an hour or something, idk man, I’m just a cat. If you have room in the fridge/freezer, just shove it on in there after it’s cooled down enough not to melt all your tupperware and shatter your pickle jars.
13. When it has solidified, crack it into fist-sized bits with your bare hands like the monster you are. Some of the pieces will be notably bigger or smaller. Remember, ‘rustic.’
14. Put it in a bag or something.
15. Give it to people who have earned your favor, unless you poisoned it.