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Jojo Bitin’: Tough on Claws, Soft and Fluffy on Crime?

Minnie Taylor Preene, the Repawblican representative from Georgia, has been making headlines after confronting President Jojo Bitin’ (Democat) regarding her stance on claw control following a wave of scratchings that has raised the country’s collective hackles.

The Bitin’ cat-ministration has recently announced intentions to draw up a bill seeking to tighten claw-control measures.

Too many innocent cats are getting swatted right on the snoot by deranged individuals who are armed with very pointy claws,” Jojo Bitin’ meowed on Twitpurr, the social media platform that can make or break a paw-litician, after another arrest was made in Catlinsburg, TN.

This time, a tabby with a long history of diagnosed ‘Dumbass Mode’ had reportedly struck out with legally-permitted concealed-carry claws and injured a young calico mother of six. Dumbass Mode is a serious mental illness that affects millions of cats every day. It leads to swiping wildly at any innocent passersby, butt wiggling, pouncing, hissing and a variety of other symptoms of being a total damn lunatic. The incident in Catlinsburg is estimated to be around the gajillionth (a made up number) time that this has happened this year.

Ms. Preene, who herself has been swaddled, indicted and found guilty with pretty much no punishment on 3,710 counts of claw-related violence, responded quickly.

“You want to declaw the entire nation and leave us defenseless, meanwhile the criminals who actually perpetrate the violent crimes will still find ways to sharpen their claws and go for our very soft and fluffy bellies while we nap.”

Ms. Minnie Taylor Preene (Repawblican)

When it was brought up that Ms. Preene was herself one of the pawminent criminals who had literally been found guilty thousands of times of committing violent felinies such as assault and cattery, she rallied quickly.

“My reported ‘felinies’ were all carefully orchestrated by the Left-Haunch nut jobs who want to convince the good catizens of this fine nation to give up their claws voluntarily and be defenseless when the Democats finally have their way and turn us into a Big Brother state.”

Ms. Minnie Taylor Preene (Repawblican)

Despite the multitudes of eye-witnesses, surviving victims, camera footage, and photographs that Ms. Preene has been known to sign, there is, for some reason, a large portion of the pawpulation who firmly believe in this conspurracy theory, along with many others advocated by Ms. Preene.

Some of the more pawminent theories that she frequently promotes, despite all of the evidence actively disproving them, include that the last election was stolen from the previous president Don Loafio Trump, that the attacks on the Twin Cat Trees were an inside job, and that CATVID-19 was a government hoax.

This week, Ms. Preene went full plates on the president on the House floor, declaring that:

“… If ole’ Grandma Jojo is responsible for spying on our good brothers for the Mewkrainians, then logically she’s probably behind all them recent school clawings. All so she can frame and steal from innocent claw owners like me and you!”

Ms. Minnie Taylor Preene (Repawblican)

We see no need to fact check any of this.

Her subsequent frantic meows for civil war and an uprising have struck a chord in the hearts of the unhinged, and her followers have started harassing the president about her soft, warm, and very fluffy stance on crime.

At the time of Ms. Preene’s meows on Twitpurr, it appeared that President Bitin’ had fallen asleep on the couch in a pile of blankets, and by the time she woke up, it was dinner time, and everyone pretty much forgot what they were talking about.

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