Danger Bakery

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A Bathroom in Sumeru

You rush into a bathroom stall in Sumeru City. Your body had tried to warn you about the dangers of Butter Chicken before, but now it was too late. You commit to the business at hand. You make noises you wish you wouldn’t make, and you do so hurriedly. That’s when you hear a man start talking in the neighboring stall:

“Oooh .. HAAAAAAAH …. Relax!”

He makes a cruel fake fart noise … Pfft! And gives a sinister laugh.

The Wanderer, done practicing his voice lines, flushes the toilet. But you’re still sitting there… shocked about being embarrassed, and embarrassed about being shocked. You suppose you had never thought of it before. Should you use more etiquette before just barging in and pooping loudly somewhere? Being called out for your rush and excitement was a tremendous psychological blow, and you sat there less productively… now contemplating your own existence and shame.

Done with his own business and oblivious to your own, the Wanderer puts on his hat and starts to leave. He decides to be efficient and use his skill to go and quickly meet with the Traveler. The Wanderer concentrates the power of the winds, dealing AoE Anemo Damage before jumping into the air and entering the Wind-Favored state.

You hear someone shout “Surge forth!” and your mind is suddenly struck with deja vu. An extreme wind advisory had just finished blaring at you from your Akasha terminal. They thought the storm was going to hit Liyue, but of course the Academia’s forecasters got it wrong. It had veered southwest that morning and the eye wall was now less than 20 miles from your home. There was no time to evacuate.

You were sitting there on the toilet with your pets during that F4 hurricane in Port Ormos. You were there because it was the innermost part of your condo, farthest away from any windows. But you remember your terror as the entire house kept shaking non-stop for hours, and as the wind began gusting so hard that it forced its way into the building. And you could feel the wind inside. Was your shelter really safe?

Thankfully, it was. But you are reminded of this, of course, because of the toilet that you sat on and the momentary similarity between a destructive tropical cyclone and the Wanderer’s Song of the Wind. The winds tore and howled in a massive whirling maelstrom, simultaneously swirling all nearby hydro sources such as the sink and toilets. It’s just like if you have a bidet; except, instead of pressing the button to gently spray your butt, you press a button to quickly condense all nearby sources of air and water and poop, then use it to power wash yourself and the entire room around you.

The screaming shit-storm coalesced and followed the Wanderer in a spiral as he flew out of the bathroom, along with a length of toilet paper attached to his foot. You, meanwhile, are left gasping for air, terrorized, soaked, stinky, and remorseful to whichever God had just come by and rebuked your bathroom behavior.

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