The multi-million dollar imaginary project from MiLoafo, the team behind such phenomenal successes such as ‘string hot glued to a stick’ and ‘literally just a cut-up boba straw,’ is set to release their first expansion of the award-winning game, Genshin Loafpack, this summer, which will include three character banners. The characters in each of these banners have just been announced.
Though no official release date has been confirmed, they have premiered the teaser for the upcoming character event wishes, which includes the most popular characters to date, by virtue of being the only characters available.
“Potato of Eternity”
Online polls have showed that the majority of players have been building up their stores of primoloafs for the first character banner–Raiden Jojo, “Even Yeast Cannot Revive the Homeloaf.” This electro stench-user has a passionate fan base, with thousands of new fan fiction stories being submitted on the MiLoafo Community Hub daily. Her familiar theme song, ‘Moderate Distress,’ has inspired countless recorder performances by her most devoted stans. MiLoafo has been incredibly secretive about her abilities to date, despite her being the first character to be released. However, the nerds on the ‘Angry Cats’ discord server, long considered experts in the field of wild speculation, have confirmed, “It will be [fucking lit], bro.”
“The Vigilant Loafsha”
The second character set to be released has won countless husbando contests — Dangerxiao. His banner, ‘Scent of Bread on the Wind,’ has garnered massive amounts of hype. So much hype, in fact, that several large cities have had to issue health warnings for their citizens due to the low air quality secondary to irresponsible hype disposal.
This anemo bite-character has earned his spot on plenty of top 3 lists for DPS damage, including our own, despite not even being released yet. Fans are in love with his tragic backstory and quick, powerful attacks as seen on his demo. Conveniently for us, the link for the demo video is down, so we can’t show you, but trust us, it’s real and definitely not something we made up to lend credence to our clickbai–uh, post.
“Big Honkin’ Mitts”
Chongpuff, a cryo five-star paw-wielder, has been confirmed for the third banner, “Chill Before Serving,” which is exciting for people who don’t want to do any thinking while they hulk-smash through mobs and bosses. Per wild speculation from the usual sources, one of whom is rumored to work for MiLoafo, this character was designed for absolute drooling morons, which is calculated to account for at least a third of the game’s players. Other reasons for his popularity include his very cute and large mitts, his incredibly puffy tail and his unbelievable defense stats. Throw this puff off of the top of a seven foot cat tree in the game and he barely takes any damage, if the character demo is to be believed.
We don’t know or care about any of the other characters on these banners, and neither should you because they aren’t great cats.