By: Dangerpuff, Head of Puffology at the International Institute of Loafology
Dangerloaf, Exquisite Grand Master Head of Loafology at the International Institute of Loafology
Every day, millions of noble house cats across the United States are subjected to abject torture and neglect due to feeding habits that conflict with natural diurnal cycles of digestion. In this study, we will use a control group from households that do not observe daylight savings time (DST) versus ones that do, and use cat patient outcome statistics to establish a clear link between the observance of DST and certain cat mortality.
DST is the practice of advancing human clocks (typically by one hour) during warmer months so that darkness falls at a later clock time. The current rationale for maintaining this practice is strictly anthrocentric, centering around mundane topics such as traffic fatalities during commutes or agrarian practices. Households that do not commute or practice agriculture have no fucking business fucking with DST. It is notable that the minority of the world’s population uses DST and any humans that use it are stupid. This is observable from the countries that do implement this practice: the United States, Mexico, Canada, Argentina, New Zealand, and Europe — all stupid humans.
This study takes a frighteningly novel felinecentric approach to the implementation of DST, comparing cats who are in DST observing households versus those who are not. No current research exists on this topic.
Since no current research exists on this topic, we also recommend that governments implement spraying programs on all academic humans for not exposing this atrocity sooner.